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The problem with order
I have a constant in my life that I fight against every day. And that is chaos. Chaos that keeps creeping into my life, into my home, into my systems of order. It is persistent. There never seems to be any sort of middle ground with me either. My apartment is either super tidy or pure chaos and there are often only a few hours in between. Spontaneous, unannounced visits are a real nightmare for me. Who now thinks that I probably grew up this way and have therefore perhaps already adapted disorder in my childhood is, by the way, completely wrong.
My mother was mainly a housewife and cleaned and tidied every day. In my childhood home, you could have eaten off the floor at any time. And I was also quite involved in cleaning and tidying up as a child. However, there was really nothing fun or relaxed about the whole thing. I felt my many chores at home were more of a punishment. My parents were also very authoritarian and no matter what I did, it was never good enough. I never heard praise or a simple “thank you for helping”, instead there was always criticism, pressure and frustration. I think this actually has something to do with my fight against chaos.
1. order you have for yourself
For anyone who grew up like I did and had to do housework, including punishment, criticism, and name-calling, any kind of housework is probably subconsciously some kind of trigger. And triggers are something you usually try to avoid, even if you don’t realize it. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve also discussed these issues with friends on a number of occasions and even the few of them who I thought were super organized and balanced seemed to have real problems when it came to keeping their own four walls in constant order.
2. the roots of disorder
I think a problem with my generation (Gen Y, aka Millennials) is that we weren’t allowed to do anything just for us. We literally lived for our parents’ generation. What was said was done. Our views and our opinion was not relevant. As a matter of principle, communication was not at eye level. For Boomers, like my parents, order and cleanliness, or how the home looked, was part of a façade that was cherished as if one’s life depended on it. The reality behind it, was secondary.
My generation, however, does not feel the need to maintain such a facade, at least most of them, because they have also learned that they do not need to try to impress others, i.e. their parents’ generation, because they are not impressed by anything other than themselves. So who should you clean up for? Especially when you’ve learned that nothing you do is good enough? We resigned at some point and probably didn’t even realize it. That’s a problem.
But the truth is that order is pleasant and stress-reducing. And you deserve a neat and beautiful home. It doesn’t matter if someone comes by and sees it, or if we never get visitors and just buy the flowers in the vase for ourselves. I think order starts with ourselves. If you really have problems keeping order and it bothers you above all, then it helps to become aware of the real reasons. Because we often procrastinate cleaning up and cleaning for reasons that may have been long ago.
3. one step at a time
So the first step to sustainably more order is to understand yourself better. And then, if necessary, to counteract the obstructive beliefs that one has adapted at some point regarding the subject of order.
Develop a rough plan. Ambitious plans, with many steps, are unfortunately often rather counterproductive. Since you can hardly keep them up. Unfortunately, going from 0 to 100 does not work for personality development etc.. Instead, it tends to lead to disappointment in oneself and the expectations set for oneself, and then one tends to fall back into old behavioral patterns such as procrastination. It works better to develop new behaviors and routines if you train them slowly, one at a time. A rough plan could be, for example. Clean up for five minutes every day.
4. set timer
Often a task seems bigger to us than it actually is. I also tend to put off tasks that I think will take several hours, only to find that I was done after 30 minutes.It helps a lot if you set a timer and resolve to work on something for only 5 minutes. Whether these 5 minutes are enough or not. First of all, you can still be proud of yourself if you have worked on the task for 5 minutes, and even if you haven’t finished it, you are more likely to be motivated to either continue working or to schedule another 5 minutes in the near future.
Add a new routine every week. After each successful week, you can then schedule a new task. Personally, if a week hasn’t gone so well, I wouldn’t include a new routine until the routines already established can be done smoothly again.
5. accept failure
Accept that we are all not machines and forgive ourselves more quickly when something doesn’t work out as planned. We all have rather too much to do these days, I think. Unfortunately, stressing too much does not help us. And unfortunately only tends to reinforce old behavior patterns. Every disciplined and organized person falls out of his routines sometimes. But they then just carry on as usual the following day. The motto is “resting instead of giving up”. When you can’t do something, for whatever reason. Is the main reason in most cases that you were too exhausted. And that is not a failure. Being exhausted is perfectly normal. At least if you are not permanently exhausted. If this is the case, the next point will help.
6. accept help
Sometimes you really just can’t do any more. We women in particular tend to burn ourselves out. We have so many things on our to-do lists and society expects a thousand things from us at the same time. I’m not saying that this doesn’t apply to men in some cases, but I’m convinced that almost every woman is affected by this, or at least has been temporarily at some point in her life.
We don’t have to constantly bow to outside pressure or meet any expectations. We can decide for ourselves if we allow this or if we stand up for ourselves and delegate our tasks to someone else if necessary. I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve had a housekeeper, even though my apartment wasn’t very big, but I had such an incredible amount of work that I just couldn’t do it all by myself. And the advantage to a domestic helper is above all, she or he, has no personal connection to the things in the home. A domestic helper simply works through their tasks schematically and is finished within a few hours. You’re more likely to get stuck on things that prevent you from finishing. The notes on the kitchen table that turn out to be a bill you haven’t paid yet – distraction.
The toys that you actually wanted to sort out long ago, because the kids actually no longer play with them, because they are no longer age-appropriate – distraction.
Especially if you have ADD/ADHD, cleaning up your apartment, instead of taking an hour, can take up a whole day. No wonder that you put something like that off. I remember that older women from my family, for example, also my mother, reacted with total incomprehension and rolled their eyes when I casually mentioned at some point that I had a domestic helper. Honestly, I find that impossible. No one can empathize with your life and just because others may not be able to relate doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help. If you have such critical family or friends, just keep it to yourself and don’t tell anyone. You absolutely don’t need to justify yourself or feel bad if you can’t manage anything in your everyday life on your own.
7. first sort out, then create storage space
A mistake that I have also made myself more than once in the past. To assume that everything would become neater if only you had enough storage space. Unfortunately, this also often leads to things being stowed away in a way that makes them difficult to reach. If this is the case, the things tend to be forgotten and my not be used at all. What’s the point of storing things you don’t plan to use regularly? Moreover, in the end, the whole apartment is full of cabinets and shelves, which usually does not contribute to more well-being. My tip would be to sort out first and really only keep the things you really want to use regularly. And then create suitable storage space for these things.
Storage space that is well and easily accessible. It is also helpful to keep things where you actually need them, but if this is not possible without restrictions, perhaps because of lack of space, it is better to have, for example, one large cabinet instead of many small ones. This gives you a better overview and everything seems calmer.
Conclusion
There are countless guides on the subject of order. And not for nothing, many people have a serious problem with it. I have read a few books on the subject and have tried different systems. In fact, none were individually, sustainably feasible for me.
Only a combination of different systems and my very own touch have helped me to have permanent order. Somewhat, because I have constantly igrnedwelche DIY projects running, which unfortunately do not work without mess, and because children like to make mess.
If this were not the case, I would probably have cured my “chaos addiction” by 90%. In principle, my environment is always a mirror of my inner self and this basically applies to everyone, even if not to the same extent. The more stressed I am, the more likely it is to be messy in my apartment. Which, of course, stresses me out even more. A true vicious circle. I think the best way to get out of it is to work on yourself and deal with deeper issues that are the real trigger. The clutter is more just a symptom. I hope my tips are helpful for you.
I wish you a relaxing weekend.
All the love
Christina
“If a messy desk represents a messy mind, what does an empty desk say about the person using it?“
Albert Einstein
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About the author
Christina Ernst is founder and CEO of Linen & Quince. She is also a designer, author and real estate expert. She shares her experiences and knowledge not only on our Linen & Quince blog, but also on her personal blog, christinaernst.net , where she writes about financial knowledge, starting a business, real estate knowledge and personal development. She loves interior design, art, antiques, as well as elegant, sustainable and high-quality fashion.
